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1. You can tell when you had a manic episode by looking at your credit card bill.

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2. Even though you live on your own, it often feels like you’re waking up with a stranger.

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3. You have so many racing thoughts you should be a NASCAR analyst.

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4. You don’t suffer from a sense of superiority – you’re remarkably modest for an emperor of all humanity.

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5. You just realized people can drink beer for fun, not because they’re self-medicating.

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6. Every morning you wake up thinking, “today is going to be a great day. Just not for me.”

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7. Family members have mistaken you for the Incredible Hulk.

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8. If someone is described to you as “moody” you think to yourself: amateur.

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9. You eat fear for breakfast.

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10. You don’t know the meaning of “psychosomatic,” because you can’t concentrate on reading a word that long.

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11. Your cat would describe you as the aloof and needy one.

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12. Your psychiatrist spends so much time balancing your moods she now has a side job as a professional juggler.

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13. You remember when Prozac was cool.

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14. When you’re down you watch “America’s Most Wanted” and cry out: “Why does nobody want me?”

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15. Your depressive spells make you forgetful, which is a shame because if you thought about your manic stages it might cheer you up.

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16. You wonder how someone who feels so empty can put on so much weight.

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17. When you’re manic, nothing makes you angrier than someone suggesting you’re irritable.

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18. Manic episodes give you a heightened sex drive, which makes it unfortunate you can’t maintain any relationships.

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19. You can’t sleep at nights, which would be OK if you had more insomniacs for friends.

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20. Your depressed self probably wouldn’t be so depressed if your manic self didn’t make so many commitments for it to keep.

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21. If you could cycle as quickly as your moods, you’d be the next Lance Armstrong.

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22. You meet the same person at two different parties and have to convince them you’re not your pain-in-the-ass twin brother.

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23. Friends say you’re the life and soul of the party, but you avoid parties like the plague.

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24. You’ve cried on the pizza delivery guy’s shoulder.

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25. You’ve been told the warranty on your car does not cover existential crisis.

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