It’s common if you sometimes feel guilty as a caretaker, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with it constantly, nor should you. Making sure you care for yourself, too, should be part of your caregiving strategy.
If you’re the caretaker of someone with a health condition, you may have experienced feelings of guilt — that you may not be doing enough or could be doing more, or that any moment you take for yourself may be selfish.
While your feelings are always valid, coping strategies can help you understand and manage your emotions so you can focus on providing the best care that you can.
Experiencing caretaker guilt is common if you care for loved ones or others who:
- cannot care for themselves
- live alone or cannot live alone
- need support with day-to-day living
Reasons for feeling guilty as a caretaker will vary, but it may be related to having your own unmet needs.
It’s important to recognize what your guilt may be an inward sign of and learn how to cope to escape the guilt-resentment cycle.
About resentment
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of resentment. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your caregiving duties either.
If you feel resentment, try to change your perceptions of it. View it as a sign that you may have untreated, unresolved, or unaddressed needs.
Learn how to manage and overcome caretaker guilt with these strategies:
Acknowledge your feelings
The first step in many healing processes involves addressing and accepting your feelings.
You may be used to casting any and all of your feelings aside or be in denial of your true feelings.
While this may feel like it can help you get through the days, it may harm your mental health and impact your ability to care for someone else and yourself.
To acknowledge your feelings, start by asking yourself:
- What thoughts are you trying to push away?
- Why might you be feeling this way?
- When did these feelings start?
Before you move forward, tell yourself you’re prepared and want to break the guilt-resentment cycle.
Practice self-compassion
This coping strategy works hand in hand with acknowledging your feelings. Try to show compassion toward yourself as you think about your emotions.
Remember: You’re a human being with your own wants and needs — your caretaking abilities do not define you.
Another way to look at it is by applying the same compassion you have for the loved one you care for to yourself.
Doing this doesn’t mean you’ll have less compassion to go around, you’ll just redistribute it more evenly. It’s not selfish — it’s what you deserve for all of your selflessness.
Set and maintain realistic limits or boundaries
If you spend so much of your time caring for others that you forget to care for yourself, consider setting new boundaries.
The care you provide for someone else shouldn’t interfere with basic human needs, such as:
- eating regular meals
- getting between 7 and 9 hours of sleep
- maintaining personal hygiene
Try to establish with yourself and your loved one what you can realistically accomplish alone, and what you might need someone else to step in for. Doing so may help relieve feelings of not doing “enough.”
Ask for help from others
Ask others in your loved one’s support network to step in if you ever need a break.
You might also consider seeking help from a trained professional or aide. This person can lend a hand when needed, so you’re not responsible for everything.
You can show another person the ins and outs of providing care for your loved one, being sure to mention the specific ways they like to receive care.
Even if you’re not the one providing the care, it can help to know that another knowledgeable and trusted person is tending to your loved one’s needs.
Find a support network of your own
Support groups and tools exist just for caretakers.
Joining one of these support groups may help you validate your feelings further by connecting you with others who feel similarly. It can also remind you that you’re not alone.
To help you get started, listed below are support tools and groups for caregivers in a variety of situations and for a variety of health conditions:
- National Family Caregiver Support Program for caregivers of older adults in their homes
American Cancer Society for caregivers of those with cancer- Department of Veteran Affairs Caregiver Support Program
- Familyvoices.org for caregivers of children with special healthcare needs and disabilities
- Advisory Council to Support Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
- National Alliance on Mental Illness for caregivers of those with a mental health condition
- Alzheimers.gov for caregivers of people with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia
Even if your caregiving situation isn’t listed above, a support network likely exists for it. Speaking with health professionals can help point you in the right direction.
Healthline support
Check out these Healthline articles on caretaking for people with:
Seek therapy or counseling
It can often help to speak to someone who can provide an unbiased recommendation on how to best manage your feelings and heal.
A variety of mental health professionals are available to talk with. Some may even be certified to provide guidance for caretakers of people with certain health conditions.
Though you might sometimes feel guilt as you care for someone with a health condition, other people have felt the same way, and they’ve learned to find balance, as you can, too.
Remember: Having compassion toward yourself is just as important as having compassion for the person you care for.
Try keeping your needs in mind to help break the guilt-resentment cycle. Learning how to address and accept what you’re feeling and taking the necessary steps to heal can also help.