Some reasons you may push people away include a fear of intimacy, an avoidant attachment style, and having trouble trusting others. You can address this by taking relationships slowly and communicating openly with your partner.
Attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance
There are a few signs that you may be pushing people away. Maybe you notice:
- increased physical and emotional distance
- terse communication
- less interest in the other person’s needs, problems, or plans
- unusually rude or unkind words
- unwillingness to share feelings and problems
- a sense that one of you is not prioritizing the other
- showing a lack of respect
- one person taking their anger or frustration out on the other
If you don’t know why you push people away, you may find it more difficult to change your behavior. Identifying possible reasons can be an important first step toward regaining intimacy in your relationships.
People often push others away for the following reasons.
Fear of intimacy
Pushing people away is one way of avoiding intimacy. This avoidance can act as a defense mechanism for people afraid of getting hurt in relationships.
Even if you think you’ve healed from a past relationship that ended badly, you may still fear the possibility of rejection. If you have lost someone, you may
As you develop a relationship with a new partner, you may instinctively distance yourself to avoid further loss or rejection.
Attachment issues
Attachment style can also play a part in intimacy avoidance.
There are three attachment styles:
- secure
- anxious
- avoidant
If your parent or primary caregiver didn’t reliably meet your needs for intimacy and other emotional support in childhood, you may grow up with an avoidant attachment style.
As an adult, you may want to develop close relationships with friends and romantic partners but fear they will let you down as your caregiver did. As a result, you may develop low involvement or casual relationships that you can back out of when things get too intense.
Low self-esteem or self-confidence
People who lack self-esteem may also end up pushing people away.
A lack of self-confidence and avoidance can affect the outcome of future relationships, leading to more avoidance and low self-esteem.
You may feel unsure whether someone cares for you or doubt you have the skills to sustain long-term relationships or friendships.
You might believe:
- you’ll make a mistake or let them down
- they don’t actually like you
- they will eventually leave you for someone else
- you’ll hold them back because you’re not good enough
- you don’t deserve a healthy relationship with a loving partner
Trouble trusting others
Trust is essential to a healthy relationship, but not everyone finds it easy to trust. If a past partner cheated or lied to you, it’s understandable that you might have a hard time recovering from that betrayal.
You could also have some difficulty trusting yourself. This can tie back to self-confidence. If you made mistakes in the past, you may worry about messing up again and hurting your current partner.
Trust doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s normal to need some time before you feel able to trust someone. Still, a persistent lack of trust in someone who has never given you cause for doubt can eventually cause some bumps in the road.
While recognizing your tendency to push people away marks a key first step toward change, it’s just that — a step. Learning to let people in will take time and practice, but these strategies can help.
Take it slow
When you desire a close, intimate relationship, you might want to rush to get there quickly. But real intimacy takes time, especially when your relationship history involves heartbreak or betrayal.
Instead, consider this approach:
- Work on developing your bond with your partner slowly but steadily.
- Enjoy the time you spend together instead of fixating on hopes or fears about the future.
- Note the things you like about them to remind yourself why you value the relationship.
- Look for specific behaviors that help reinforce their trustworthiness and reliability.
Talk about it
Healthy relationships require good communication. Talking with your partner about a habit of avoiding intimacy might feel a little scary, but it can make a big difference for your progress.
Explaining why you find intimacy challenging can help your partner understand why you hesitate to open up, so you might consider sharing a few details about your experiences.
If something in particular makes you feel uncomfortable, let them know.
Aim for balance
If you’re trying to rein in the impulse to push people away, you could end up overcompensating.
Balance can increase your chances of relationship success. It might mean:
- sharing your experiences naturally over time instead of immediately divulging your full life story
- expressing interest in their life without prying or demanding to know every detail
- sharing your emotions with your partner while also making sure to ask about their feelings
Your goal is interdependence. That means you establish a bond and work to support each other without depending on each other entirely. You share a life, but you still remain your own person.
Balance can also mean working to become comfortable with normal conflict.
If you fear rejection, you might be on high alert for any little sign that your partner is not satisfied in the relationship. However, it’s important to keep in mind that disagreements happen from time to time, even in close relationships.
Avoiding conflict by pushing your partner away won’t strengthen your relationship — but learning to navigate conflict in more productive ways might.
Practice self-compassion
Overcoming long-standing patterns of behavior can be challenging, so remember to treat yourself kindly. It may not seem like much, but the fact that you noticed the problem suggests you have the self-awareness needed to establish lasting change.
Your reasons for pushing people away might affect how quickly change happens. Still, as long as you’re willing to work at it, chances are that your efforts will pay off.
Talk with a therapist
You may benefit from the support of a mental health professional.
When you’re trying to navigate underlying factors like relationship anxiety, attachment issues, or a mental health condition, you may find it hard to address these alone.
Therapists have plenty of training and experience in helping people address avoidance and other intimacy issues. There is no shame in needing a little extra support to explore potential causes or develop intimacy skills.
You may push people away to avoid getting hurt. However, this does not work as a long-term strategy for good relationships.
Some strategies for letting people in include taking relationships slowly, communicating openly, and having compassion for yourself.
A therapist can help you delve further into the reasons behind intimacy avoidance and practice turning toward others instead.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.