When someone we love is grappling with their mental health, our instinct is to throw ourselves into the fray… but without being thoughtful about what kind of support we offer, we risk burning out.

In my own history, I’ve been both the person in crisis and the supporter. And I know firsthand that when someone hits bottom, it’s hard not to get swept up. We forget ourselves sometimes. We go all-in, just to find ourselves depleted and resentful.

It hurts to give someone every last ounce of compassion that you have, just to find them still immobilized by their despair, not seeming to get any better.

I also know what it’s like to have a friend bail on you in your darkest hour, confirming your fear that you are, in fact, “too much.”

But here’s the truth: You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to support someone else. And no, you’re not “too much” for needing support from the people you love. Both of these things are true.

We need to be thoughtful about how we step into our role as supporters, though, for those things to feel true for everyone.

If you know someone is in crisis, they will need more than just your support. Your loved one will need a strong network of care and a plan if things escalate. That can be organized upfront.

WRAP

Many mental health professionals recommend that individuals have a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). This can include:

  • phone numbers for a therapist, psychiatrist, and other relevant healthcare providers or healers
  • contact info of family members and friends that can offer support
  • phone numbers for local crisis numbers and mental health organizations
  • addresses for walk-in crisis centers and emergency rooms
  • a list of triggers and forms of self-care to try when your loved one is activated
  • a schedule of community resources like online support groups, etc.

Your loved one should share this plan with their support network. If their network seems limited (or is limited to just you), work together to see what resources you can find, including these affordable therapy options.

There’s a common assumption that people who are grappling with their mental health can’t be trusted to make their own decisions. However, whenever possible, we should involve our loved ones in any and all decisions that impact them.

This is especially true when we’re considering making decisions that could further traumatize them. Encounters with police officers — including wellness or welfare checks — can be terrifying, and in some cases, have turned deadly, particularly for Black people and people of color.

It’s best to familiarize yourself with local crisis teams and reach out to your loved one and others in their support system ahead of time to determine the safest course of action in an emergency.

Harm reduction after calling 911
  • Request an officer that’s trained in crisis intervention (CIT).
  • Give as much information as possible to the dispatcher, including their diagnosis, symptoms, and the nature of the emergency.
  • If you’re fearful that your loved one may purposefully provoke an officer into firing their weapon (also known as “suicide by cop”), repeat this information to the dispatcher multiple times to ensure that those on-site are aware and do not fire.
  • Send a nearby supporter to meet them at the location to calmly intervene and ensure the situation doesn’t escalate on either side.

Even if 911 has already been called, it’s still worth contacting local crisis resources. Check and see if they can send someone to mediate any police encounter that happens.

In these emergencies, you should take as many precautions as you can to ensure the best possible outcome.

Avoid overextending yourself or offering high levels of support indefinitely. You can do this by ensuring that your loved one understands your expectations of them at this time.

If you expect them to be in therapy, for example, you can ask if they intend to find a therapist and within what timeframe. Ask who else is on their team and how you can support them in accessing additional support.

If you expect them to seek out a higher level of care if things don’t improve, work together to determine when that would be and what that would look like.

How to gently set expectations

  • “I’m happy to support you, but I want to make sure you also have professionals in your corner. When are you reestablishing care with a therapist?”
  • “I’m glad you asked for my help. Do you have a plan for what you’ll do if this gets worse? I want to make sure you have a backup plan in case you need extra support.”
  • “I love you so much and I want to support you. It would help put me at ease if you let me know who you’ll reach out to if I’m not available at a particular time, just so that I know you aren’t doing this alone.”

Blame and shame rarely motivate people to make changes to their behaviors.

What your loved one needs more than anything is unconditional love and positive regard. Rather than criticizing their choices, it’s best to extend support that they can then choose to accept.

For example, for a loved one who turns to alcohol, you might say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’re drinking a lot more than usual, and it’s worrying me. Can I help you find some resources and support around that?”

Helping them make better choices for their own well-being will do a lot more good than shaming them for the ways they’re choosing to cope.

You are allowed to have boundaries. Knowing what your limits are can help prevent taking on too much and experiencing burnout.

To help you determine what you might need and where your limits may be, try completing these sentences with your loved one in mind:

Setting boundaries

  • My preferred mode of communication is [text, phone, etc.] so please don’t [call, leave a voicemail, text].
  • I’m only available to talk [during the day, during specific hours, etc.], so you’ll need extra support outside that time. Who can you reach out to?
  • I can’t pick up the phone when [I’m at work, when I’m visiting family, etc.] but I’ll get back to you when I’m able to.
  • [Topics] are triggering for me, so please ask me before you share about them.
  • I can’t [talk daily, come over, etc.], but I’m happy to support you in [finding a therapist, video chatting tonight].
  • I care about you, but I can’t talk if you’re [yelling at me, not sober, hurting yourself], so please have a plan for who you’ll reach out to instead.

A mental health crisis does not define who someone is, but rather, it’s a temporary period of time which they can endure with the support of those around them.

A former friend of mine once described supporting me through a depressive episode as “being sucked into [my] world.” By defining “my world” as a dark and despairing one, I was left feeling as though depression was at the core of who I was, and that I was a burden on the people I love.

Our words have a tremendous impact on other people. If we want people to have faith in themselves and their ability to live a full life, we need to be mindful of how we frame their struggles.

An abundance of self-care is critical when we’re supporting someone in crisis.

It can be especially helpful when we schedule it in advance. This way, we know when to anticipate a break and can protect that time by setting our boundaries accordingly.

Self-care looks different for everyone, but consider activities that leave you feeling rested, relaxed, recharged, and reset.

Don’t wait until you’re resentful, burnt out, and fed up before practicing self-care and taking the time you need to recharge.

Similarly, we should be taking care of ourselves and showing up for ourselves consistently to ensure that we can show up for others.

You aren’t a bad person for needing to step back and take care of your own mental health — but doing so thoughtfully can ensure that you aren’t doing unintentional harm when you step away.

Use TACT

Before stepping back from supporting someone in crisis, remember:

Timing. Consider the timing of your actions. Do they have other support around them, and if so, can they commit to reaching out to them? Confirm that they have the support they need in your absence.

Accountability. Accountability means being apologetic if boundaries weren’t clearly communicated, not blaming the other person for things outside their control, and owning where you may have overextended yourself.

Check-in. Setting a date and time to check in next can be helpful reassurance so that your loved one knows you aren’t abandoning them. This is a great way to affirm to your loved one that they still matter to you, and that the space you’re taking is temporary.

Transparency. It’s crucial to communicate your expectations and boundaries for the time that you’re apart, especially because they’re changing. Don’t assume that they can read your mind!

It’s not unheard of for someone to choose to avoid or discard a struggling person because they’re too overwhelmed to continue engaging with them.

My hope, of course, is that everything I’ve shared above helps you avoid reaching this point at all. But should you arrive there, I need to emphasize how important it is to not simply drop someone who’s in crisis.

I say this not to prevent you from ending a relationship that’s hurting you, but rather, to remind you to be thoughtful about how you proceed.

Consider the timing, be accountable and transparent, and, if possible, check in later to have a conversation to process what happened. This will hopefully help you both gain some closure.

You both deserve care and support. If ending that relationship is the only path forward, please be sure to do so with respect, dignity, and thoughtfulness wherever possible.

As someone who’s been there, I can confidently say that I’ve never regretted showing up for someone who needed me. And as the one who was in crisis, I’ve never, ever forgotten the kindness that people have shown me in my darkest hour.

I hope that having read this, you have a clearer idea of how to proceed in a responsible, empowered way — one that allows you to securely fasten your own oxygen mask before reaching for anybody else’s.

You deserve to stay well as you support others. And when we’re intentional about how we show up, we can be.

Sam Dylan Finch is a writer, positive psychology practitioner, and media strategist in Portland, Oregon. He’s the lead editor of mental health and chronic conditions at Healthline, and co-founder of Queer Resilience Collective, a wellness coaching cooperative for LGBTQ+ people. You can say hello on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or learn more at SamDylanFinch.com.