Discipline involves teaching your child ways to behave, follow rules, and learn self-control. Abuse isn’t discipline but rather actions that harm a child. Learn the difference and where to find help.
Parenting may be a journey full of love, joy, and — at times — challenges. On the road to raising a child, caregivers must inevitably teach lessons on what’s right and wrong. While effective discipline fosters growth and development, abusive behaviors can lead to lasting harm.
Here’s more about the differences between discipline and abuse, ways to positively discipline your child, and where you can find support.
Discipline is the act of teaching a child to obey rules, practice self-control, and correct negative behaviors. It’s about encouraging behaviors that can benefit children as they grow and discouraging behaviors that may harm them or the safety of those around them.
Abuse is the act of intentionally harming a child — verbally or physically — with excessive force. Examples might include:
- name-calling
- threatening
- yelling or screaming
- punching
- kicking
- beating
- choking
- hitting a child with a belt or another object
The main differences between abuse and discipline:
| Intent | Method | Outcome | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Discipline | to guide or teach children appropriate behavior to benefit their growth and development | time-outs, boundary setting, or consequences | child has a trusting relationship with caregiver and clear communication or understanding of rules, actions, and consequences |
| Abuse | to control or harm a child or to release anger or frustration, whether intentional or not | hitting, kicking, punching, or otherwise using excessive physical force (causing injury) or verbal abuse (causing negative psychological effects) | child experiences trauma, fear, and potentially long-term psychological effects that negatively affect development and the caregiver-child relationship |
The Children’s Bureau doesn’t include spanking in its definition of child abuse so long as it doesn’t cause injury. But a
The study above suggested spanking may change the way the brain perceives threats. Children who received spankings showed stronger brain activity in areas linked to fear when looking at scary faces compared with children who didn’t receive spankings. This reaction looked similar to the one researchers tend to observe in children who have experienced severe abuse.
Do kids who receive spankings behave better?
Spanking doesn’t lead to better behavior in the long term. Some children might respond temporarily to spanking, but a 2022 research review showed it may increase aggression, lead to behavioral problems, and negatively affect the parent-child relationship.
It’s important to base discipline techniques on the child’s developmental age. Some children may misbehave because they don’t clearly understand what’s right and wrong.
Understanding your child’s age and developmental level and communicating expectations in a way they can understand may stop some unwanted behaviors before they start.
Beyond that, positive discipline strategies can promote positive behavior and emotional development. The
Consequences
Teach your child that negative actions have consequences. The result of acting up may include time-outs or taking away privileges. It’s crucial to identify the unwanted behavior, give a warning, give the consequence, and then communicate how the consequence directly connects to the behavior. These steps can help you be the
Rewards
Rewarding positive behavior may lead to more positive behavior. Rewards may include material rewards — like toys or money — or social rewards — like attention (hugs, high-fives, etc.), praise, and special activities (playing a game or reading together).
You can track rewards on a behavior chart. Keep it simple and explain how rewards work in an age-appropriate way for your child.
Ignoring unwanted behaviors
Attention, even negative attention, is a type of reward viewed by your child. If they act up, lots of negative attention may reinforce the desire to continue the bad behavior. Ignoring crying, whining, or tantrums may squash the behavior because the child doesn’t get the attention they seek.
Supervise a child at all times to ensure their safety, but you can ignore certain behaviors while still actively paying attention to your child and their cues. When the behavior stops, give positive attention to your child to reinforce positive behaviors.
If you can’t ignore a certain behavior (for example, if it harms another person), you may also try redirecting your child.
If you have hit your child, there are steps you can take to heal your relationship and steer away from using physical discipline in the future:
- Acknowledge your mistake and apologize for your actions: You might explain that your child’s behaviors were challenging but that you responded incorrectly by hitting.
- Listen to your child when they tell you how the actions made them feel: Give your child space to talk without interruption or getting defensive in response. You may also try spending some quality time together rebuilding trust in your relationship.
- Get support: Speaking with other parents and caregivers may help. Ask your or your child’s doctor for help finding parenting classes or support groups. You can also find support in therapy or support groups. For example, you can attend Emotions Anonymous meetings for help coping with anger or depression issues. Alternatively, if you or your child is experiencing domestic abuse, you can find help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
- Discuss options for alternative discipline methods with your child: You can talk about positive discipline methods and new ways you might try in the future with your child and your partner. That way, you can all be on the same page.
Using abuse to stop unwanted behaviors may lead to significant issues, like post-traumatic stress or learning, attention, or memory difficulties down the line.
Managing anger as a parent can sometimes be tough. If you feel overly frustrated, take a step back and walk away, if possible.
Do not hesitate to reach out for support. Positive discipline techniques can help guide your child’s development and foster a healthy parent-child relationship.