Being with someone who has depression can put a strain on the relationship. You can try to take a few steps before ending things, but it’s important to remember that you deserve happiness, too.
There comes a time in a relationship when it may be necessary to evaluate your options and make difficult choices.
No one wants to be accused of abandoning a loved one in their time of greatest need. But neither should you remain in a strained relationship with no conceivable future out of a sense of duty or guilt. Sometimes there’s nothing more you can do but say goodbye — for the sake of your own mental health.
Before it comes to that, for your own sake and the sake of your partner, you should be sure you’ve done all you can to salvage the relationship. Otherwise, you may be consumed by guilt or self-doubt, wondering if you did all you could do for your partner — and your relationship.
Any threats, including those of suicide, should not compel you to stay in a relationship. They should be met with the right kind of attention from a mental health professional.
Check your ego at the door
You are not the cause of your partner’s depression.
People who are depressed may say or do things they typically wouldn’t otherwise. Their illness may cause them to lash out at others. You are an easy target as someone closest to the person. Try not to take it personally.
Recruit outside help
Share your concerns with trusted friends and family members. Confide in others. You can also try to:
- ask for advice and support
- take an occasional breather
- realize that your needs are important
Don’t make any hasty decisions
Ultimately, you may find that you simply cannot continue your relationship with a depressed person. If you feel they’re dragging you down, too, it may be time to consider distancing yourself. This may mean anything from taking a brief respite to a permanent parting of ways.
In any event, take time to weigh your options carefully before making any decisions that you will have to live with permanently. While the decision to leave or not will be emotional, keep in mind that decisions made in anger are rarely wise ones.
Set a deadline
If things seem unbearable, consider setting a timetable for change.
For example, you might decide to give it three more months. Only then will you allow yourself to walk away if your loved one:
- has not sought or begun treatment by then
- has not improved despite treatment
- refuses to follow treatment recommendations as instructed
Consider the practical implications
Trying to sustain a relationship with a depressed person can make the healthy partner feel helpless.
If you feel you can’t go on, it may be time to sever ties. But walking away may be easier than it sounds.
Where will you go? What will you live on? What will your spouse live on? Are children involved?
Sometimes depressed people may use drugs or alcohol. If this is the case, walking away may be your only choice. Your children’s emotional well-being and physical safety should be your first priority.
It may be necessary to take a hard look at these and other practical considerations before you say goodbye and walk away.
Sometimes, your partner may threaten suicide if you leave them. This is a serious situation, one that requires immediate attention — but the right kind of attention.
The threat of suicide during the breakup should not compel you to stay in the relationship.
You cannot be the one who makes your partner decide whether or not they want to live or die. That is up to them.
Attempting to “save” your partner by staying with them can only make the relationship more dysfunctional and could ultimately result in you resenting them.
Suicide prevention
If you think someone is at immediate risk of self-harm or hurting another person:
- call 911 or your local emergency number
- stay with the person until help arrives
- remove any guns, knives, medications, or other things that may cause harm
- listen, but don’t judge, argue, threaten, or yell
If you think someone is considering suicide, get help from a crisis or suicide prevention hotline. Call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat 988Lifeline.org.
Sources: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Seek couples counseling
If your partner is well enough to participate, consider couples counseling so you can address your relationship issues before throwing in the towel. A therapist may be able to provide a perspective that neither of you can manage on your own.
A research review from 2019 has found that emotionally focused couples counseling may help improve marital satisfaction. The study found an association between couples counseling and sustained satisfaction at follow-up.
You may find that, despite depression, the relationship is worth saving. Counseling can provide the tools you need to heal and move forward as a couple. If counseling fails, at least you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot.
Finally, if your relationship seems hopeless, or worse — toxic — it may really be time to walk away. Try to make your partner understand that you still care. Wish them the best, but say that you need to make a clean break for your own sake.
Say goodbye and leave without regrets or excessive drama. Remind your partner to continue with their treatment. If you’ve made the effort to improve your relationship, and see to your partner’s health, but things still aren’t working out, you can walk away without guilt. You deserve a chance at happiness, too.
It’s not uncommon to also show symptoms of depression following a breakup or divorce. Research has found that major life events, including the end of marital relationships, can lead to depressive symptoms.
But a number of strategies can help you get through the tough times that may follow a breakup or the end of a relationship.
Try journaling
You can try journaling and reflection. As you reflect, a few questions you ask yourself or a close, trusted friend may include:
- How did I feel in this relationship?
- How can I learn from the relationship?
- What from this relationship do I want to bring into or leave behind in other relationships?
- Was it a healthy relationship?
Research from a
Stick to a routine
Having a routine is an important aspect of recovery following a breakup. Make sure you still get an adequate amount of sleep and maintain a balanced diet.
According to some research, having a routine is associated with an internal biological rhythm. Disturb this rhythm, and it can lead to symptoms of depression or anxiety, as was seen during the COVID-19 pandemic.
You could also try adding some exercise into your daily routine, such as:
- yoga
- stretching
- walking outside
Care for yourself
Putting yourself first is good for your mental health post-breakup. Try creating a self-care plan. For example, some self-care strategies you could try, backed by research, include:
- Catch some rays: A 2022 systematic review has found that spending time outdoors, especially in green spaces and the sun, can improve mental health.
- Put your phone down: A 2020 study suggests that taking a break from social media may help improve mental well-being in adults.
- Look good and feel good: A 2020 study with adolescents in the Dominican Republic shows that unkempt hygiene was associated with worse mental health.
Seek therapy
Talking with a therapist can benefit you during a relationship or after ending one. They can help you process your feelings and bring new perspectives.
A 2024 review of meta-analyses found that compassion-focused therapy is associated with reduced negative mental health outcomes. It suggests that this type of therapy can also help:
- reduce depression
- reduce self-criticism
- improve compassion for the self and others
There are a number of tools you can use to find a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist, including:
When should you walk away from someone with mental illness?
Breaking up with someone with a mental illness can be difficult. You should end things with a person, whether they have a mental illness or not, if the relationship:
- is emotionally draining
- negatively affects your mental health
- has a pattern of regular toxic behavior
How does a person with depression act in a relationship?
Noticing a negative change in your partner’s level of energy can be a sign they’re dealing with depression. Other signs a person in a relationship is living with depression might include:
- show a lack of communication
- be more irritable than usual
- express a loss of interest in activities
Know that there are ways you can support your partner if they’re managing depression, though. Be willing to listen to them and encourage them to seek professional help.
The breakup of a relationship can be a traumatic event, but no one should stay in a relationship out of a sense of duty or guilt.
Although officially calling it quits may be the final mode of action for you, that doesn’t mean you can’t take steps before ending things. You can try couples counseling and avoid making decisions in haste or a bout of anger.
But, overall, you should prioritize the well-being of yourself and your children when confronted with the tough decision to stay or leave a relationship.